? A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P R S T U V W Y To Sort Audio Quotes

As of January 30th, 2008

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"'Joining the committee' is our religion's euphemism for death."

 

"'Sounds like fun,' he says, with an assful of pie."

 

"...and by the way, my pet horse Rover is in the luggage compartment."

 

"...some people went down under the water...but they didn't come back."

"Do you think maybe they...drowned?"

 

"I've been meaning to speak with you about this new johnson...."

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A

"A little torture never hurt. Okay, well, it hurts, but it doesn't kill. Okay, well, sometimes it kills, but we'll stop before that."

 

"A shallow grave--that's spiritual. Rocks on top--that's just common sense."

 

"Actually, Merri, you'd be a monk, because you believe in deities though you don't know which one, you want to sleep with them, and you fight."

 

"After that, I was a changed ranger. I was a changer."

 

"After you go ranger, you never go stranger."

 

"Ain't no quotation marks 'round my spiritual comfort.'"

 

"Aisle 5: Soup, Canned Vegetables, and...The Rift!"

 

"Ok guys, what do you think?"

"Isn't that your job?"

"Oh yeah! What do I think?"

 

"All is forgiven. But the next time you get me horribly raped, I'm drawing the line."

 

"All my injuries are adding up into one very gruesome death."

 

"All of a sudden, you're awake and alive and beautiful and everything."

"I think it was the puzzling goo."

 

"All right! God damn! Luke Perry is my savior!"

 

"All right — you & Joy work on making a three-legged demigod."

 

"Alter-Kale showed up, and an alter-kale-tion broke out."

 

"Amozo might have to undergo some genetic reconstruction."

"Yeah, like he cares."

 

"And Kale gave his only misbegotten son: 'Here, take the little fucker.'"

 

"And this is Xy, the king's... um... tiny man."

 

"Any anger Kale may have with you will hopefully be mitigated by his superior wang."

 

"Are you a good liar?"

"I told you I was sorry, didn't I? You believed me, didn't you? Yeah, I'm a good liar!"

 

"Are you fed up with John Paul II? Do you want to take him out — permanently? This group of psychotic fanatics is seeking whackos to aid them in their quest to rid the world of this heretic. For details, call 555-5678 and ask for Mother Teresa."

 

"Are you loyal to King Bog?"

"Definitely not! I mean... um... I..."

"Oh, don't worry...we consider that a perfectly legitimate opinion."

 

"Are you okay, great Kale?"

*I'm a snail...!*

 

"Are you proposing terrorism?"

"No, just unbelievably violent espionage."

 

"Are you putting a door in the wall?"

"There wasn't a door there before."

"There wasn't a ship attached there before either."

 

"Are you sure you don't want to be a goose? I mean, this is the time to decide."

 

"Arr, it is the sweet embrace of the sea reaching up to my bowels."

 

"At the crack of dawn, your crack dawns."

 

"Aw, dude, you were trumped by a blueberry muffin! How crumbling!"

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B

"Basically, we go to opposite ends of the chain and sulk."

 

"Batavian, I have wanted to meet you for an indeterminable amount of time."

 

"Being threatened is a waste of time, but being killed is an even bigger waste of time."

"Maybe that's what they mean when they say they're going to waste you."

 

"Being naked and covered in flour EXUDES pragmatism."

 

"Blessed art those fuckers!!"

"Excuse me?"

Booming Divine Voice: "You are conflicted."

Mortal: "Indeed I am."

Booming Divine Voice: "I have the answers you seek."

Mortal: "Are you going to impart them to me?"

Booming Divine Voice: "No."

 

"Broadcasting on all frequencies!"

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C

"Can I travel into the future?"

"Well... Aisle 5."

 

"Can we all agree that when a man whips it out, he is no longer paying attention to his surroundings?"

 

"Can you say 'Antisocial Personality Disorder (Narrative Type)'?"

 

"Cory's asleep and dreaming of being the Cobbler."

 

"Cosmologically speaking: The fuck?"

 

"Cross this line?? I can do that!"

*WHUMP*

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D

"Damn. I'm going to be forced into the role of the voice of reason."

 

"Darff is going to go to town on Godwin's ex-nuts."

 

"Dead men intrigue no shoemakers."

 

"Death won't keep us apart, Crone!"

 

"Define 'eternal damnation' in this context."

 

"Dextrosity: Dexterity for monstrosities."

 

"Did I come at a bad time?"

"Yes, but it's probably good that you did."

 

"Did you rip that guy off?"

"No, he's still in his shop."

 

"Dinosaurs don't have nipples!"

 

"Disregard all bizarre stimuli and get the Godspeed Drive secured!"

 

"Do bugs have pancreases?"

"No, they have exopancreases."

 

"Do I feel like I could go over there and not suck her blood out, or something?"

 

"Do NOT hand the panting midget a knife."

 

"Do not stick the money in the horse's ass."

"Are you volunteering, parson?"

 

"Do we get to fight Octalon, or whatever?"

 

"Do you need to be changed into a woman now?"

"Perhaps. I'll get back to you on that."

 

"Do you think it would be difficult to stuff the undead?"

"Yes, it could be quite taxing."

 

"Dock has a pet cow?"

"That's his way of getting in touch with nature."

 

"Does he have a weapon other than the one protruding from his chest?"

 

"Does it bother you that Rothard has coughed up Dorito dust all over your van"

"Can't be worse than monkey blood"

 

"Don't be afraid. Most of us mean you no harm."

 

"Don't be such a hardnose, Kale!"

"Yeah, and try to keep a stiff upper lip!"

 

"Don't cause me cognitive dissonance. That's an order!"

 

"Don't desecrate this holy ground, you motherfucker!"

 

"Don't go all Lancelot on me."

 

"Don't make me think! I'm trying to figure out Bog!"

 

"Don't worry. You're even better looking than not-orc-ugly."

 

"Don't you realize you're supposed to keep powerful magic items out of the hands of fetuses?"

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E

"Everyone's being an addict right now — whether it's god, smokin', or drinkin'."

 

"Evil chicks dig me."

 

"Explain your reasoning for that."

"You're hanging a canoe. Explain your reasoning!"

 

"Eye-of-newt tea is the doo-whop, doo-whop in all the Correspondence sensing magick I do!"

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F

"First degree murder? Check. Genocide? Check. Assassination? I've got friends for that."

 

"For one thing, you're all dodging the spurts of blood spraying out of my crotch."

"I'm not!  I'm diving for them!"

 

"For our regent is a vengeful regent..."

 

"Forgive me. I'm a little more well-travelled than I really should be, considering I haven't really ever been there."

 

"From the mounds of babes..."

 

"Fuck everyone right up the ass: long, hard, and deep."

"Well, at least he's not being half-assed about it."

 

"Fuck you, we want stew! Fuck you, we want stew!"

 

"Fun is a lot worse than romance."

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G

"Get along, little undoggies!"

 

"Get out the band-aids; it's time to play Mage."

 

"God dammit. This happens to all my personalities."

 

"God DAMN I hate rowing!... God DAMN I hate rowing!... God DAMN I hate rowing!..."

 

"God damn. I'm totally frustrated with myself."

 

"Gods dammit, I wanted to fuck this guy! Over."

 

"Goofy is really a very focused, rational individual about these kinds of things."

 

"Guards have this awful tendency to come in large groups."

"And kick our asses."

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H

"Have you found your destiny?"

"Yes, I have, mother. It's a dark destiny."

 

"Have you noticed that Kale seems to be disappearing for days at a time recently?"

"No, but then I have been spending most of my time blindfolded lately."

 

"Hayeeeeeeeeeeee!"

 

"He curls up in a fecal position."

 

"He has desecrated the holy site. What a bastard. We must reconsecrate it by digging small holes and becoming fabulously wealthy."

 

"He'll just heal himself afterward anyway. He needs to feel the pain."

 

"He's decided for himself not to think for himself, and I think you should respect that."

 

"He's just too evil to win, the poor guy."

 

"He's pushed someone to the edge of the platform. I think a muffin would finish him off."

 

"He tried to escape, so I took his larynx."

 

"Here kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty-squid-kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty!"

 

"Here ye the decree of the new king: Under penalty of death, all citizens of Norfacordia shall... um... no sing about dig."

 

"Here's a twist to the campaign. The Phlangemores are horse-fuckers!"

 

"Hey Dock? Maybe you should leave two of those guns behind."

 

"Hey, dumbass! Throw the water on the houses that aren't burning!"

 

"Hey, Max? What's with the chicken?"

"I don't know. The damn thing keeps following me!"

 

"Hey, Powderity! How's it hanging?"

 

"Hhhonk!"

 

"History is written by... a biased smartass."

 

"How did you kill the evil wizard?"

'Let's just say there was a race to the ground, and I lost."

 

"How does a dirty look look, coming from nipples?"

 

"How much adventure could you have in prison?"

"I could have anal adventure."

 

"How much time do you spend watching the cow to see when it poops?"

 

"How quietly can you kill someone? I mean, can you conceivably slit a person's throat without the person in front of them noticing?"

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I

"I adopt a compassionate expression and say, 'I'm honestly curious. Why are you so fucking dumb?"

 

"I appreciate your blasphemy."

 

"I ask her if she knows anything about cows and their health."

"I want an exact quote."

 

"I assume Charlie goes to get some supper for himself."

"Yeah, he heads off in search of rat poison and so on."

 

"I better write down my need for a quill so I can remember to get one later."

 

"I blew all my Renaissance Points on George fucking Tenent!"

 

"I can't deputize you, I'm a deputy!"

"So just sub-deputize us!"

 

"I can't swim, but luckily, Crone is pretty bouyant."

 

"I certainly want to be able to put mouths on things."

 

"I confess! I am a wicked man! I dare not set foot in God's house!"

 

"I could clean you, but first I'd have to kill you."

 

"I didn't know that you were going to say 'cue the fog,' and I didn't know I was going to blindly obey."

 

"I didn't pump the cow for information, so how am I supposed to know what's going on?"

 

"I don't care if people suck face with my arch-nemesis."

 

"I don't have a problem dispatching another one of me."

 

"I don't have a rope, but I do have a rape."

"Ooh, is it superior rape?"

 

"I don't have nine daughters."

 

"I don't know if it's a good idea to go around committing crimes and justifying them by saying that we worship a member of our party."

 

Said to an estranged undead friend:

"I don't know who you were anymore."

 

"I don't take unnecessary risks."

"Like sleeping?"

 

"I don't think I'm going to bust my nut on a stone wall at this point."

 

"I expect to be fully compensated for my moronic activities."

 

"I feel ready to end this voyage. I'm at minus ten to everything."

*shatter*

 

"I feel your ability to comprehend my lack of knowledge."

 

"I FUCKING HATE MONKEYS."

 

"I get xp for seeing something this weird."

 

"I go where I'm not."

 

"I got had. XP!"

 

"I had an idea, but I yelled it right out of my head."

 

"I happen to be in a position to offer you vast quantities of stew."

 

"I have an idea for my next meal!"

"You are not cooking this hobbit."

 

"I have no need of the guard who manhandled some tiny evil woman. But the hobbit is of special interest to me."

 

"I have some mystical knowledge about our destination being a warehouse."

"That mystical knowledge came from the shopkeeper."

 

"I just can't seem to hit her anyplace except in the crotch!"

 

"I just don't think that murdering people is the answer, that's all."

 

"I just have really strong gnomish associations."

 

"I just want you guys to know that I'm going under the assumption that none of this is real."

 

"I knew I should have assaulted the party members earlier!"

 

"I knew it was illegal--I just didn't know I shouldn't do it!"

 

"I licked him. Nothing happened."

 

"I look behind me."

"There are two people and a zombie running after you."

"No queen, though?"

 

"I may be tactless and incompetent, but I'm trustworthy."

 

"I need to stop talking."

 

"I need a ranged weapon that shoots something better than muffins."

 

"I never thought I'd be saying this, but in order to kiss Dock, roll brawl."

 

"I nod, as if I see the sense in that."

 

"I only bickered about the plan, not about the definition of legend, so my bickering was legitimate."

"Now wait, I totally disagree."

 

"I pity the foo whose psycho-epistemology is flawed!"

 

"I plug the hole with the orc."

"I refuse to participate in any group defecation."

"Okay, 'Princess'!

 

"I seriously doubt I could cause that much harm to reality."

 

"I skewer him through the heart, grab his hair, and yell: 'Take this to you god!' Then I loot his body."

 

"I suppose this would be the wrong time to bring up your fast track to redemption."

 

"I think it's a whole 'test of faith' thing, and since I don't have any, it's not taking."

 

"I think some of those kids' fathers are noticing that Goofy has a pretty hot body."

 

"I think that's a bit too silly to involve Dock. Wait a minute — what am I saying?"

 

"I think the slug should roll seduction."

 

"I think that there is a higher part of Batavian that is being controlled by a Titan."

"Details, details."

 

"I think we have to run the ship by consensus, because who among us is going to obey anyone else's orders?"

 

"I think we should spend the rest of the day here. I found this great... uh... men's bathroom."

 

"I think you're going to like your guilt trips."

 

"I thought this was going to be downtime."

"Yes, but intrigue has occurred."

"Intrigue is a cow in a pasture?"

 

"I throw him a cube of bum."

 

"I touch you and it feels good. You can't change that! Tee hee!"

 

"I used up all my power points trying to get you to suck my cock. Come back tomorrow and I'll identify your items then."

 

"I walk off into the woods."

"There goes a fat, fat, fat, fat man."

 

"I want three things: moose bacon, a nap, and Kale to see reason."

 

"I want to know what's going on with the transdimensional butthole."

 

"I was fondling you in the dark, but then my homophobia kicked in."

 

"I was spirited away!"

"Isn't that the name of a movie about a horse?"

"No, that's Seabiscuit"

"I was seabiscuited away!"

 

"I was stripped in front of strange women by an undead oaf, and all I got was this skimpy thong."

 

"I wonder if carnivores ever think, 'I wish food wouldn't scream so bad.'"

 

"I worship a different insane god."

 

"I'll give you lip service about your mortality later."

 

"I'll go try to find Birkman, because he seems to be the only thing I can keep down."

 

"I'll have you know I come from a very refined background."

"Yes, we can tell by looking at your face."

 

"I'll have you know that I've been reasonably not psychotic for most of the last few sessions."

 

"I'm a kleptomaniac who can't obey the traffic laws... I've been having sex with this chicken, and I know that's true."

 

"I'm assuming that your clone has not taken a shit in the last four shifts."

 

"I'm bruised as hell. I need to fuck like nobody's business."

 

"I'm going to concentrate on the winged creatures of the world. Aw, shit. I can't."

 

"I'm going to go do something really, really stupid. I'll be right back."

 

"I'm going to persuade you that my sword is going to connect with your neck using my melee skill."

 

"I'm just not good at THINGS right now."

 

"I'm just saying, remember this the next time I suggest doing something totally insane."

 

"I'm keeping a careful but oblivious watch for squeavers."

 

"I'm not a sucking cleric."

 

"I'm not aware of anyone here named Captain Oblivious."

 

"I'm not convinced it is a cow, but I'm coming along because I need some XP."

*shatter*

 

"I'm not going to let you feel me up, Clod."

"Oh, I'm not trying to feel you up. I've had my fill."

 

"I'm not sure what I should do. I just feel so overwhelmed by my problems and I don't need any more on my conscience. I guess I just wanna slaughter everyone and start a new Hinkerville."

 

"I'm not sure whether to feel reassured or intimidated by that."

"Good. Then you'll stay."

 

"I'm not the deity here, so I feel that it's safe for me to lay down rules."

 

"I'm nude. Do something about it."

 

"I'm okay with checking in at eight, but I'm not okay with being called legendary."

 

"I'm reasonably sane, and if he had both of his legs, he would be too."

 

"I'm rubbing the beverage genie."

 

"I'm so glad that my alternate self is a total pussy."

 

'I'm so proud I'm ready to get the hell out of here."

 

"I'm sorry I had to rape you."

"That's okay. I kind of raped myself."

 

"I'm sorry, I'm writing down what I say. I think it's really cool."

 

"I'm proud of you, Kale. I'm bleeding internally, but I'm proud of you."

 

"I'm the golden child of the anus because I didn't make any promises so therefore I haven't failed to fulfill any of them."

 

"I'm the not-from-beyond-the-grave type of mummy."

"That's a dying breed!"

 

"I'm too stupid to take that as a threat."

"And I'm too stupid to mean it as one!"

 

"I'm using wrestle strikes. It's like WWF, only without the props."

 

"I've never slaughtered anyone! I may have fireballed a few people, but I usually help them to get better afterwards."

 

"I've used up all my lip-flap for this round, so I'll have to talk to you next round."

 

"If he can read minds, then the jig is up."

"Oh, ode to the jig!"

 

"If he pulls out, shoot him in the head."

 

"If it was any boy other than Curly, I'd say his behavior was due to stress or fatigue. But he's worked every day of his life, so it can't possibly be that."

 

"If people want to wage war, they can buy the expansion, god dammit!"

 

"If there's ever a time to run from your loved ones, it's when they've abducted you."

 

"If we're going to compromise, I got to get at least a little bit of a crack."

 

"If you rip out my entrails, you're fired!"

 

"If you want to get in good with the boss, you just have to scare the piss out of him."

 

"Imagine if someone vomited all over a Sith Lord. That's what he looks like."

 

"In a brilliant flash of light, an ostrich appears."

 

"In my culture, we use every part of the orc."

 

"Is a dwarf a person of color?"

"No!  A dwarf is a person of hair...and shortness."

 

"Is it theft when it's preceded by genocide?"

 

"Is Queen Tiskren coming, too?"

"No, I think she's GMing."

*shatter*

 

"Is that fog coming out of your butt or are you just happy to see me?"

 

"Is that why you tried to get down with me?"

"Wait, is that the reason you did get down with me?

 

"Is there anything here that I think Merri might value?"

"Well, there's a canoe."

"Anything that I wouldn't have to portage?"

 

"Is this a doom that lasts? Or is it one of those more transitory dooms?"

 

"Is this your child?"

"Palpable evidence suggests yes."

 

"It wasn't his sword that made you fly. It was his shoulder."

"I want that shoulder."

 

"It's a special day, so Emma's going to shampoo and condition the cow's hide."

 

"It's a two prong cyber schlong!"

 

"It's all become moot, as there has been a large Trollish poot."

 

"It's all just a misunderstanding between bum culture and evil culture."

 

"It's been a hard pirate night, and I've been working like a sea dog."

 

"It's funny how Brunswerth's stutter disappears when he threatens people."

 

"It's her god's penis! She knows every fissure, every fold."

"It's just like your cloak, except it's sexy instead of lethal."

 

"It's just some kind of stupid head jewelry?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I think it's damn nifty."

 

"It's kind of hard to tell where the monkey brains stop and Supple's head begins."

 

"It's kind of like my cloak, except it's sexy instead of lethal."

 

"It's not that you come off as ingenuine — more like patently evil. But I'm willing to look past that."

 

"It's quicker to kill people."

"But not always more convenient."

 

"It's raining. Just tell the clones to look up and try not to drown." -Suppel

 

"It's that time of the month."

"What, nap time?"

 

"It's the men's bathroom--of course there's a window!"

 

"It's true--all great characters originally just walk out of the forest."

 

"It's very fortunate that Merri has a limb regeneration spell. It's also very fortunate that the penis is a limb."

 

"Ix-nay on the ack-in-the-box-jay."

 

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J

"Just because the dwarf is shoved in your ass, that doesn't mean you get his actions!"

 

"Jundub's Palpatecence is practically palpable"

 

"Just focus on the cow..."

 

"Just how many cow quotes are we going to have?"

 

"Just so you guys know, patricide is worth 7 XP."

 

"Justice: The O.K. way to kill people."

 

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K

"Kale and Merri came up with a plan, and promptly abandoned it once they realized it meant certain doom."

 

"Kale doesn't have a backside."

 

"Kale only says foolish things like, 'Be honest,' when he's out of his mind with rage."

 

"Kale's asleep. Someone has to be paranoid."

 

"Kale's not such a bad guy! He agonizes for minutes every time he kills someone."

 

"Kale's on a fast track to redemption."

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L

"Let me go get my dark mysterious stranger cloak."

"You mean the bright fluorescent green one?"

 

"Let's fry this kitten-squid up and make some kali-meowi!"

 

"Let's just say we want to avoid any imperial ent-ongle-ments."

 

"Let's not start stabbing each other. We're on the back of a tortoise in the middle of nowhere!"

 

"Let's review the three insane things you're doing right now" -Kale to Clod

 

"Let's stop bickering and decide whether or not we want to do something illegal tonight."

"My vote is yes."

 

"Let's try to be very conscious and deliberate about whether or not our characters are being impulsive."

 

"Let's use dungeon diplomacy. In an effort to maintain good relations with the denizens, let's not kill them instantly, let's just hurt them a lot."

 

"Look, there's informal dress, and there's me being able to see your butt."

 

"Looting is it's own reward."

 

"Lugg, don't eat things that come out of your nose. Not even imaginary ones."

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M

"Mages always look a little funny after thay get some."

 

"Man, godhood's a bitch sometimes."

 

"Man, that is so unethical!"

"Are you doing it or not?"

"Yes."

 

"Memories of that era are sketchy."

 

"Merri goes to pay off her debt for her canoe. She's a fiscally responsible morally ambigious character."

 

"Might I suggest that that cave might offer more shelter than this catapult?"

"A catapult? That explains the holes in those people's necks!"

 

"Moose tastes like revenge." -Kale

 

"Mortals like gods with skills."

 

"My brooding usually takes place on the bridge, since we don't use it for anything else."

 

"My buttmanship ain't what it used to be."

 

"My chapel may be desecrated with evil symbols, but it's not in shambles."

 

"My mother just died. God damn, I loved that bitch!"

 

"My policy with Henry has always been complete and total honesty—"

"Ever since we captured him and dragged him away from his home."

 

"My self-concept doesn't include a face."

 

"My stomach would turn, but it's pinned in place by a crossbow bolt."

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N

"Never threaten a paranoid man in his brothel."

"No intrusion was performed."

"Now that's exactly the problem, isn't it, Dock?"

 

"Not all who wander are on the run from the law."

 

"Not being in command of the forces of darkness, I instead unleash upon him electric death."

 

"Now, murder is one thing, but we're not going to ruin this beer."

 

"Now, see here. Fuck off!"

 

"Now we've got a 50/50 male to female sex ratio in the party."

"Only from the neck down!"

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O

"Oh Dixieland, Oh Dixieland, a place of shining glee!"

 

"Oh god, you're bored."

"No, I'm pious."

 

"Oh great goddess Shaw, could you please untie Uptythe?"

 

"Oh my god. He's going to be gang-raped by stew-crazed hobbits."

 

"Oh my gods, do I sense the development of a notochord for Ralph?"

 

"Oh, how could you have been so hard on her? She's just a young girl, obviously doing her best to kill the pope!"

 

"Oh, I'm sorry. Was that your penis, your holiness?"

 

"Okay, after considerable delay, and a new canoe, you make it to the library."

 

"Okay, how much gold dust do we have, in teaspoons?"

 

"Okay... the money I'm going to have to burn. Same with the passports. Now where shall I go to start this conflagration? The motel room doesn't strike me as ideal."

 

"On a scale of 1 to as many hit points as she has, about how damaged is she?"

 

"Ooo! We need a way to give people amnesia! We do we do we do we do we do!"

 

"Ow! That fuckin' hurts! Pass the draph."

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P

"PCs only fart when they want to."

 

"People think he's a hunchback, but really he's just a pirate with a parrot that's shit on his back too many times."

 

"Perhaps your silence would facilitate events at this time."

 

"Peter, thou art my rock, and upon this rock I shall build my church. And also, please wear this ridiculous hat."

 

"Please don't go around telling people I'm dead, now that I can feign life."

 

"Please ignore the fat man in the corner."

 

"Private Property. Absolutely NO HUNTING. Trespassers will be turned into newts."

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R

"Ralph is gripping his rod and wondering what he should do."

"Try stroking it."

 

"Ralph Q. Thadcratchulus! You come back here this instant!"

 

"Reach for the sky."

"Well okay, but it's not gonna work."

 

"Really? I get a handful of cock? Amazing!"

 

"Remember, no canoes is good canoes."

 

"Remember, you're supposed to get that information from Olaf."

"I'm more interested in killing him."

"Me, too."

"Yeah, me too."

 

"Roll your Am I a Dumbass" skill."

 

"Rumors of my paternity are greatly exaggerated."

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S

"She always takes the armor off for sex — that's just the only time."

 

"She anoints you, but you don't take it as piss, because you're awake."

 

"She's acting very sexy."

"I know, and it's hard!"

 

"She's not obsessive-compulsive. She's just a neat freak."

 

"She's trying, but some people are a little squeamish about that third

leg."

 

"Sheaw, if you're truly the goddess who's been guiding me, make my booboo go 'way!"

 

"Since we don't have the whirlpool installed yet, stand under this water pipe."

("At least it's clean.")

 

"Sit down, or the cow gets it!"

 

"Slogans make such a good substitute for independent thought."

 

"Smelly isn't an emotion."

"It is for orcs."

 

"Sniff the redneck guru at your own risk."

 

"So his poetry is rather pathetic..."

"Yes, very bad. But somehow poignant."

 

"So I'm not here to bear your child?"

 

"So the lesson here is lick the toads, but don't eat them."

 

"So you killed someone. What's the worst that could happen? I mean, they could call you rash, or irresponsible... but impious? Never!"

 

"So, wait; did you disarm a sloth?"

"He's trying to."

 

"Some people think that Dock's work is a little unusual. But he presses on!"

 

"Sometimes I feel like I am being watched. Like my every move is controlled by someone else. Like this is all just an elaborate game."

*shatter*

 

"Sometimes, Kale, I think you're on the convenient track to redemption."

 

"Sometimes there are true things you just don't say" - Godwin

 

"Spunking in a cup does not parental consent make."

 

"Stay your hand, good barkeep, for our time for leisure is short. Where in this town can one attain horses for riding?"

"I'm afraid there are none."

"GOD DAMMIT!!!"

 

"Stop dicking with your pancreas."

 

"Stop it! Kale's not that kind of god."

 

"Suddenly, you sense a cosmic disturbance!"

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T

"That foam rubber strip could turn up again to haunt us..."

 

"That settles it--I'm the only one of us who's not insane."

"Don't worry, you'll be insane soon."

 

"That's an awfully realistic attitude. You obviously don't have a very good grasp on gameality."

 

"That's an expensive way to whoop someone's ass."

 

"That's IF it would be feasible to follow Spongeskin around for days."

 

That's not a furry snake...it's a lemur tail!

 

"That's really oblivious of him, for being so perceptive."

 

"That's what you get for using d10 with a flail, home slice!"

 

"That's why I chose to be invisible. So that no one would see me fucking up."

 

"The cheese is not as supple as a slab of Corinthian leather."

 

"The creamery is the easiest job you've had so far."

"Plus we can skim a little off the top!"

 

"The dead don't get nookie!"

 

"The decision not to castrate Kale was made for the wrong reasons!"

 

"The gods made Adam and Eve, not Unadam and Uneve."

 

"The one with her face shot half off is, strangely, doing better."

"She's less encumbered now."

 

"The only reason Bog is king is because of the axe! The only reason the axe makes him king is because of the monkeys! The only reason monkeys say things is because people are stupid!"

"Well, duh! So as long as people are stupid, Bog is king!"

 

"The Pope is about to get pummelled by a large blue Satan!"

"That's okay; I'm a protestant."

 

"The temple will consist of a lot of small holes for seating inside a much bigger hole which itself is symbolic of a small hole."

 

"There might be some compensatory doubloons headed your way should you be able to convince anyone that I'm not a deity."

 

"There might be some seepage, but I am not just shitting into my hat!"

 

"There seems to be some kind of reflex action—an ass-clenching, if you will."

 

"There's a bum in the rubble."

 

"There's a certain lethargy to the universe right now."

 

"There's morality, and there's not having everyone in the world trying to kill us."

 

"There's more than one way to tether a loved one."

 

"There's no evidence of whether teats have been sucked."

 

"There's no margarine in my fantasy world."

 

"There's no need for you to hate me; I am NOT going to worship you."

 

"There's no need to add insult to information."

 

"There's nothing intrinsically wrong with hurling poo at someone unless they have an open wound."

 

"There's nothing quite so white as an irish vampire's ass."

 

"These beholstein behinds are masters of only one way of contending."

 

"These books are rare."

"So are free coupons to my tree, but they've been known to show up from time to time."

 

"These Libyans get more devious every... few days!"

 

"They seemed sessile a minute ago but now all of the sudden they can jump up and bite asses!"

 

"They went through all the trouble to rescue you. Now they've got loading rights."

 

"They're just going to use you to carry out their stupid, evil plans."

"Ralph, your cynicism is appreciated, but unnecessary. Shut the fuck up."

 

"They've turned hypocrisy into a way of life."

"Yes, but so have you!"

"I know, but that's different."

 

"This 'tard has wanderlust."

 

"This cow is a pretty frequent shitter."

"Yeah, well, she's pregnant. She's shitting for two."

 

"This guy gets sexier every time we talk about him."

 

"This is beyond my skill to heal."

"Why?"

"I don't see anything wrong. I can't heal that!"

 

"This is Soy Knuttgrinder, at your service. Gimmie a job!"

"Are you here about the part?"

"I got the part! Gimmie a job!"

 

"This is too much math and not enough killing stuff."

 

"This mystical convergence is going DOWN!"

 

"Tickling the beholstein: a euphemism for masturbation by rubbing one's balls."

 

"To whom do we owe this great bloody hole in the public road?"

 

"Too many evil halflings spoil the broth."

 

"Um, Dock? Are you sure that's a good idea?"

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U

"Um, okay. You take the soap and pelt it as hard as you can down into the biffy, but nothing happens."

"No one says 'Ow!' or 'Dammit!'?"

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V

"Van and van! What is van?"

 

"Verily, verily, verily, verily, life is but a scheme."

 

"Virgin Mary rolls cost fifty cents. But for an extra quarter, our priest will turn them into the body of Christ!"

 

"Vote Wenderman for mayor. He may be nuts, be at least he's nuts in a good way..."

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W

"Wait a minute! Screw this Disneyland thing! Let's take over the government and become absolute rulers of the United States!"

 

"Waldo was the guy you cleaned out of the bathroom when you moved in."

 

"Was it a mortal struggle?"

"Of course--the corpses were a dead giveaway."

 

"We are men of action, not finance."

 

"We are NOT linking Hooterville!"

 

"We better go back another way--we wouldn't want anyone to catch us with all this booty."

"Booty? We've got three sheets and a wallet!"

 

"We can find some way to spin this, right? They were heathens, so... their bodies disintegrated?"

 

"We can go to the ass-wound support group together!"

 

"We could sit and and insult each other's worldviews for hours, but maybe we should try to find a goal that we actually agree on."

 

"We could try the Trojan horse strategy. Hey, I'd fall for it."

"Yeah, but you were born yesterday."

 

"We didn't kill them. We merely severely compromised the likelihood of their survival."

 

"We have mystique issues."

 

"We really can't go on without a toilet."

 

"We should have bought more stuff, but we didn't have any more turkeys."

 

"We should leave. I don't think we're in good enough condition to kill 15 people. At least, I'm not."

 

"We were trying to locate something or someone. Or was it do something?"

 

"We'll have to sneak into the castle."

"Well it's a good thing I'm not on fire all the time then!"

 

"We're about to be removing dicks."

"I think I'm going to sit this one out."

"That's how you lose 'em."

 

"We're being hunted, and we don't even know why."

"We are?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

 

"We're elves. We don't sneak—we prance."

 

"We're sulking. What are you two doing?"

"Stinking."

 

"We're in for some turbulence!"

 

"We've come a long way from bullying people for metal pieces to buy tacky rings."

 

"Welcome to the future. Help me carry my canoe."

 

"Well, I had concerns..."

"And to the extent that I believe that, I appreciate it."

 

"Well, I was bored, so I decided to totally mess up your life."

 

"Well, not all elves do that."

"That's good, because I really didn't want to have to prance that much."

 

"Well, this adventure went pretty poorly."

"I dunno. We got a lot of good quotes."

 

"Well, what do you think, Brutus?"

"..."

 

"Well, you keep growing in faith as you study the bible, and as you become more pious—"

"—I gradually become capable of hurling fireballs down the street?"

 

"We're going to summon this damn Cobbler once and for all and have words."

"Oh, not words!"

 

"What am I supposed to say? A rock fell from the sky with a message for you about shacking up with a member of the party? Trust me, my lips are sealed!"

 

"What are you doing — trying to spook them?"

"No, it's a miracle, you dumbass!"

 

"What can I do? I'm only one parson."

 

"What do you call a hobbit who's been shot in the ass with an arrow? A hob-kabob!"

 

"What has the dwarf been sticking up his surrogate vagina?"

 

"What is it about me that encourages surveillance?"

 

"What is the vacuousness of an empty cup in space?"

 

"What on earth are you doing, Cory?"

"Looking at your skunk."

 

"What's a bard?"

"Someone who yells at parrots."

 

"What's the regent of Norfacordia doing hijacking one of our boats?!"

"These are desperate times!"

 

"What, there's no afterdeath?"

 

"When a human and a hobbit quarrel together very, very much...."

 

"When was the last time you ever saw any law enforced on this continent? Nobody's going to come looking for us just because we killed a bunch of people!"

 

"When you come across a cow right by the Evil Order, you don't just drink whatever comes out of it."

 

"Whosoever pulleth this 'lady of the anus' from the ass shall become king."

 

"Why are we under attack by an ape? That's not frigid! I don't understand!"

 

"Why you think Dixie that way?"

"There are caves over there."

"Bog like caves."

 

"With my bard's keen wilderness sense, I blunder into it in the dark."

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Y

"Yeah, I'm a big vulva man."

 

"Yes! He looks pious! I'm gonna cash in!"

 

"You are immortal, aren't you?"

"More or less. At the moment, less. Quite a few people want to kill me."

 

"You are truly great."

"Well, I've been around for five levels."

*shatter*

 

"You bungle your sneak if you allow yourself to sneak with someone who bungles."

 

"You can't just up and name a retard!"

 

"You can't sneak in a vacuum!"

 

"You could spend 8 hours reading his mind for a month."

 

"You cut his nose off."

"What? Cool!"

 

"You don't have an epic amount of pie in your ass."

 

"You don't want to have uncomfortable cosmological implications affecting your injured nuts."

 

"You fancy yourself sent from hell, do you?"

 

"You find another creature with a transdimensional ass. This one's mine."

 

"You find some frozen monkey shit."

"Hmm. Well, I collect it."

 

"You flop into the water, and it looks really silly and incompetent."

"Okay, good."

 

"You got some crumbs in your eye and you put on a frickin' eye patch!"

 

"You have metaphysical problems too, huh?"

"No, mine are very physical ones."

 

"You hungry?"

"For a live rabbit?"

 

"You know, in real life, Conan is this red-haired guy."

 

"You know, it's not just any yokel who's immune to flattery."

 

"You know, what really slows this campaign down is Kale's constant soul-searching."

"Fine, I slit his throat."

 

"You know, when you first put me up on this wall, I only REALLY hated you."

 

"You know, you're quite a persuasive fellow; I'm going to go right out and do what you've asked of me, now that you've buried me in cryptic statements and refused to answer any of my questions."

"Don't you worship guys like that?"

 

"You know? You know what we need to do now? We need to do a seance!!"

 

"You realize that by not giving me a gun, you're making me the most dangerous person here."

 

"You should really hold off on sex with her for awhile after she killed her father."

"WHAT!?"

 

"You need to conquer effectively before you can rule responsibly."

 

"You take care of that. I have to go meet the parents."

"You've met the parents. They're racists."

 

"You'll get smacked on the back of the head later."

*checks memory stat*

"Well, maybe not."

 

"You're all useless." -ineptsegue the Cobbler

"You're on Rothard duty" -Cory the player

 

"You're always doing things that anger Kale, but he seems to get off on that."

 

"You're just going to have to strike some sort of reasonable balance between piracy and redemption."

 

"You're making him afraid of charcoal?"

"Well, I have ten pieces. I may as well use them."

 

"You're making it very hard to not listen to you."

 

"You're only as present as your stupider head."

 

"You're still thinking in Rolemaster terms, you deplorably archaic shitbox."

 

"You, my friend, are a sick twist with a psychopathic urge to carve up innocent fictional hobbits like so much roly-poly meatloaf."

 

"Your trust in me, while not entirely misplaced, is not of a natural origin."

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To Sort

*knock knock*

"Everyone's dead!"

 

A vampire down on its luck:

"Good eeeeevening. I'd like to trade these fangs for your blood."

 

Divine Voice: "You are through persecuting me!"

Mortal: "Hey, I've been persecuting a god? Coo--uh, I mean--noooo!!!!!!"

 

Invisible ugly man in the lesbian harem:

"Are you turned on by this?"

 

Regarding muff:

"If you start delving in deep, it loses its validity."

 

"Rothard's inability to count his limbs was not the cause of his losing them."

 

"Stop being about to touch my ass!"

"By touching it?"

 

"There's no one you can shoot with out shooting someone."

"Isn't there a Beatles song about that?"

 

"Do I have hair and pieces of neural matter on me?"

"Yeah."

"That's cool."

 

"I'm gonna rename this campaign the shit-warriors."

"Hey, we're just working with the tools you give us!"

 

"I'm not licking the fucking nutcup."

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Audio Quotes

Covered in Shit
Dead in Heaven
Fog Butt
Poor Fucker
Stink Bonus

 

 

 

 

 

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