Kaleism

Kaleism is a religion centered on the worship either of Kale Ecuttel (a mortal human), The Divine Kale, or both.

The worship of the mortal Kale as a deity originated among an isolated tribe of Wose living in a remote jungle of Toswald. This tribe sent one of their number, Eagle Kale-Poslet, to study the ways of Kale in person. The Way of Kale, considered an official record of Kale's teachings by most Kaleists, originated from the notes Eagle kept during his time with Kale, which were later greatly expanded by the hobbit Merri Roundbottom.

Although most Kaleists are unaware of it, a controversy exists between two Kaleist theurges--Merri Roundbottom and Godwin the Wise--both of whom are revered figures in Kaleist mythology. According to Merri, Kale Ecuttel and The Divine Kale are merely different avatars of a single deity, who takes "interpersonal drama" as his divine domain and maintains a mortal incarnation in order to engage in such drama among mortals (which requires pretending not to be a god). Godwin, however, maintains that the two Kales are completely distinct and separate entities, and indeed that the entire Way of Kale is a load of ludicrous and insanse nonsense. It's worth noting that the mortal Kale himself also insists that he is not a deity and routinely denounces and rails against propogation of the philosophy known as the "Way of Kale."

The Way of Kale (Old Testament)

The Book of Metaphysics

1. Everything is dangerous.
2. Everything is an opportunity to make money.
3. Beer makes you feel better.
4. By writing down tenets of the way of Kale, a high priest or priestess can become Kale.

The Book of Epistemology

1. Act first and discuss it later.
2. During experiments, leave morality out of it.
3. No reading into the Way of Kale.
4. No more new tenets of the way of Kale.

The Book of Economics

1. Expense accounts are not allowed.
2. More important than good or evil is adventure; more important than adventure is profit.
3. The best thing to do with huge amounts of money is put it where it will make small amounts of money.

The Book of Ethics (Not applicable during experiments)

1. Do anything necessary to get your way.
2. When all else fails, do nothing.
3. Be a hypocrite.
4. Be alternately arrogant and self-debasing.
5. Occasionally flee from loved ones.
6. Lie often and without remorse, unless the truth will get you more power.
7. Proper disposal of the dead includes dumping or eating.
8. It's okay to kill people who do bad things, and clones.
9. There's nothing wrong with cloning if you don't deprive the clone of personality.
10. Never enter Kale's sanctuary without an in-person invitation.
11. Don't ask questions of political candidates.
12. Stealing from the place you live is wrong if you don't consult Kale first, but if you steal, make sure nobody else knows about it.
13. It's a very bad thing to break into a private establishment unless you're certain to get away with it.
14. It's dumb to be unscrupulous unless you're very good at it.
15. A person is bad if s/he systematically does bad things, not just sometimes (like Kale).
16. If you see a rabid dog, shoot it.
17. Magic items don't have rights.
18. Revenge killing is not okay.
19. People who just show up offering services are expendable, especially if they're muscular.
20. Lunatics should not be sarcastic.

The Way of Kale (New Testament)

The Book of Clarification of the Old Testament

1. Kaleism is an insane religion.
2. Life is valuable.
3. There's no new testament.
4. Don't write things down.
5. Sometimes, don't discuss ethics.
6. Fanatics have got to eat.
7. If you see a rabid dog, get it to attack your enemies.
8. Don't listen to Suppel.
9. Blasphemy is okay.
10. The Holy Numbers are 13, -27, 20, -4
11. Don't allow dogma to get in the way of practicality.
12. When you kill something more powerful than you, keep a part of it.
13. When you are temporarily granted Kale's power, it's very wrong to abuse it.

The Book of Value Hierarchy

The following describes the importance of various kinds of individuals according to Kaleist tradition.

1. Kale and the trinity
2. Followers of Kale
3. Insane rich people
4. People not otherwise mentioned on this list
5. Muscular people offering services
6. People who do bad things
7. Clones
8. Rabid dogs
9. Suppel

Dietary Restrictions

Do not eat of the forbidden foods:

1) Tipsy bayleaf

2) Potion Deux

3) Tongue of any deity.

The Book of Parables

This book contains a series of parables about Kale's old exploits, which are often cited to prove various points among Kaleists.

1. The Parable of the Spider and the Shack. It tells how Kale almost burns a shack to the ground due to seeing a spider. The tale is widely considered to illustrate the importance of paranoia.
2. The Parable of Kale's Great Sacrifice. This is the story of what is crypically referred to as "Frigid Doom," and describes the great metal beast who rent Kale in half.

Other Notes about Kaleism and the Book of Kale

1. Kaleism reveres several individuals as having mystical importance: Godwin is seen as the holy ghost because he is remembered for setting fire to figures in the Ignoramian religion (tongues of fire) and disappearing. Later, an Ignoramian spell depicts Godwin's soul as full of holes. Kale, of course, is seen as god the father. His son, Arugula, is remembered as "god the sun" who died to save us many years ago. Merri is seen as "the Virgin Merri" who gave birth to Arugula. Suppel is seen as a malevolent figure who opposes the will of Kale and had the audacity to assume he could overthrow Kale.
2. Churches in the Way of Kale are seen as too holy to be used for anything (or sometimes even to be finished on the inside) due to a reference in the Book of Ethics, which dictates that no one set foot in Kale's sanctuary without Kale's explicit permission.
3. Kaleists are as a rule impulsive, greedy, extremely literal, addict businesspeople or investors. They are liars and hypocrites, although they may lack the self-awareness to understand this fact, as they rarely think much about their actions. They are unscupulous (they will do nearly anything and justify it with nearly any fact) and unreasoningly loyal to Kale. They tend to act abusively or even dangerously brutal, but they think of themselvs as good (they aren't systematically evil). They are alternately arrogant and self-debasing, although rarely with much sincerity in either case. They frequently carry ranged weapons, ostensibly so that they can shoot whatever dogs they see.

Information Added By Darff

Rules

0) Ongle is our enemy.